Nerves!

I am feeling like a bundle of nerves! Today, in about 12 hours, I am taking the first part of my black belt test - forms and breaking. Sparring comes later.

Now breaking I am not worried about, because if you have ever had the opportunity to break a board with your foot or fist, you know that it is exhilarating - one of the rewards of martial arts. You look forward to that part. (Actually, I am really hoping he lets me break a brick! But I don't think he will, since one guy broke his hand before. He let Dennis break a few bricks before, but he is a big husky guy, and I am a female - albeit, big and husky as well -, and that makes him nervous. Personally, I think every black belt should have to break a brick - at least a little one, right?)

The part that I am really nervous about is the forms test. One part of earning each belt level is to memorize a form, or a choreographed series of kicks, punches, blocks, etc to show technique. The forms start out easy, and get progressively more difficult with each belt level. But to get your black belt, you have to show that you know all 10 of them perfectly.

And that is what is stressing me out.

You see, most of the forms are very similar, and some are very complicated. Yes, I have learned them all, but my problem is that I get them confused, and they all start running together in my mind. Before I have only had to know one at a time. It is a whole different game when you need to know all of then at once.

I just keep practicing them, though, and hope that my body's internal memory will just know what to do next. I think my body knows what to do. it is my mind that gets in the way as I start second guessing myself. Ugh. I am too old for this. I'll be 38 next week. My mind is going!

Beyond that, I have been back and forth all week about whether or not I should even test. This was not how I wanted to get my black belt. If you've read my blog for a long time, you know that my original martial arts teachers, who were wonderful, moved away, and the new teacher, though he is a 7th degree master, ( straight from Korea, he hardly speaks English) and knows his stuff, he is a terrible teacher. He doesn't explain anything and when I ask for help his entire offering of advice is something like "focus" or "turn and snap." Gee thanks, Master Gu. That was helpful. So I have had to do a lot of training on my own, and let me tell you, martial arts were not meant to be self taught.

Originally, my plan was to go to Riverside, where my old teachers had moved to, several times a month for training, and then to get my black belt with them. I did that for a while, but then Kylee, my teacher, got a job with a very long commute, plus she went back to school to get her doctorate, plus, I am pretty busy myself, so we had to abandon those plans. Now my only option is to get my black belt here with this new teacher. It is so NOT how I wanted it, but what choice do I have? I can't get this close and just stop, right? And if I found a new school, I'd probably have to start all over because they have an entirely different set of forms. I am not about to start over.

So, anyway, here I am, about to take the first part of my black belt test. I know I am disappointed in the circumstances of taking the test with Master Gu, but I can handle that. I just hope that I am not disappointed in my own performance, and that I remember everything.

I just wish I knew if I was ready. My old teachers wouldn't even invite us to test unless they knew we were ready. It gave you confidence. I asked my new teacher after Tuesday's class if I was ready, and he just smiled and said, "You call me tomorrow and tell me if you are ready." How do I know??? He is the master. I think he should be able to tell me if I am ready. Ugh. That is just the thing that I am talking about that drives me crazy about that guy - he is not one for instilling confidence. (Usually he just laughs at my efforts.)

So I have decided that I am ready...um... I think.

If not now, then when? Will I ever be ready? Probably not, especially without the kind of training I would like.

But, ready or not....