A Haircut and a Meltdown.

Monday I gave a haircut and had a meltdown.

I think everyone has noticed that Luke's hair has gotten a bit too long lately. I know some people didn't like it, but I loved the floppy blond hair swinging across his face. It was so adorable. So Luke!

OK, so I know he was beginning to creep into that grey looking-like-a-girl area, and no, it wasn't because I secretly wanted a girl so I could try my hand at pigtails. But I just couldn't bring my self to cut his hair.

Until Monday when I got brave enough, had enough time, and Dad announced to Luke that Mom was going to cut his hair TODAY. (I think Dennis thought I was de-masculating his youngest son by letting it go on this long.)

So I cut it.

Then I cried.

Bawled hysterically is more accurate.

Note to self: Do not cut your baby's hair when you are feeling particularly hormonal.

I looked at him and I didn't recognize him! He wasn't my baby anymore.

I cried some more, and cut some more, and did a bit of butchering in the process.

Note to self: One should not handle scissors while crying hysterically. I'm glad he managed to get away with both ears still in tact.

My husband and children just stared at me in disbelief - Mom had really gone off the deep end this time, and they were wondering if I was ever coming back. Dennis' helpful suggestion: Maybe I should have just trimmed it a little.

MAY-BE? Wait. Who ordered this haircut again?

Not knowing what else to do, the boys apologized for growing up on me.. as they should! And Luke even said, "Mom, sorry I turned 4."

Then I really lost it. Meltdown.

I had to abandon the scraggly pathetic blond head, lock myself in my craft room, and cry... for a LONG time.

Geez. What was my problem? It took me a while to figure it out. I mean, his hair didn't look that bad, and besides, its just hair. It will grow, right?

Exactly! That was the problem. It will keep growing, but so will he. He will keep growing and growing, and...

I remember having a similar breakdown once when cutting Nathan's hair when he was the same age. He had the same floppy blond hair that Luke has... I mean had. Gulp. I cried when I chopped it all off and I couldn't stand looking at him like that. I told myself that it would grow back, but you know what? It never did. His thick dark hair is proof of that. And he didn't stay little either.

And that was just yesterday, I swear! Tomorrow Luke will be a teenager...

And THAT is the source of my tears. Oh boy, here I go again - eyes welling as I write this.

In the end, my best solace was to call my own Momma from the confines of my locked craft room. She would get it, I knew. After all, I was her baby, right? And all grown up enough to be calling her to cry about my own babies growing up on me. She understood. Of course she did. Mommas get it.

Thank heaven mommies are always mommies, even if babies aren't always babies.

She commiserated with me. Why does it all have to happen so fast? Our babies are just our babies for such a short moment, and we just can't hold onto them forever, whether we cut their hair or not. You can't just keep having more babies, and grand babies will be wonderful, but I simply can't imagine that it will be quite the same as you own babies.

Why the heck am I complaining? I've had more than my share of babies, right? Besides, I was never one of those baby-crazy girls that loved babies, had to hold everybody's babies, etc.

I just love my own babies.

Madly!

I always will.

Even when the hair will be growing out of their once soft and pretty little faces, and not just their heads.

The truth is, as much as I love my babies, I also love to watch them grow and change, and progress into men - wonderful men, I hope, like their father.

Time is just too short. And you can't have both, can you?

But in my blubbering, my good wise mother reminded me that you can have both. "That is why eternal progression, eternal increase is so wonderful!" she said. We will be able to always have a baby in our arms, and yet get to watch them all grow and progress too. Forever. That is the gift of eternal lives (yes, it is plural) that we are promised if we keep our covenants. Not just our own lives, but lives of our children, both earthly and spirit children, and grandchildren, and great grandchildren in this life, and in the life to come! Worlds without end.

That is why I cry. Because these arms are meant to hold babies. My babies. Forever. And teach them, and love them, and watch them grow into parents with babies in their own arms.

What a beautiful plan.

I'm so grateful to be a mother,

just like my wise mother,

and my Heavenly Mother.

Worlds without end.

But for now I'll just have to get through one haircut at a time.