But then as I grew older (and started liking boys) I started thinking maybe it was all an exaggeration. Boys weren't really that bad. After all, they were kind of cute, OK really cute, and what used to seem so yucky and stinky suddenly became very attractive. (What powerful things those hormones can be - deluding us into finding such things appealing!) I thought what silly little girls we had been! Boys were suddenly pretty fantastic.
Now I have six sons, and my opinion about boys has come full circle. I realize how wise I was at a young age to perceive that boys are gross. In fact, my acquired wisdom and experience has only taught me that boys really are much more disgusting than I had previously imagined- so very much worse.
Sometime I feel like I am surrounded, like a bad dream where slimy swamp creatures are all around you, moving in closer and closer, and there is no escape.... ahhh!
Yep, kinda like that.
Case in point. Last week I took my darling firstborn son to the dentist. He NEVER brushes his teeth. We have taught him proper brushing technique, and tell him constantly to brush, but he has chosen an alternate, non-hygienic lifestyle and does not brush. So guess what the Dr. found? Not one, not two, not even six or seven cavities. He found 8 cavities! Eight! And its not like these cavities have accumulated over years. We take our kids to the dentist regularly twice a year. He developed all those cavities in 6 months time! Holy stinkin' cow! When the financial advisor came into the exam room, I knew we were in trouble. His decision not to brush is going to cost us about a thousand bucks! I was so upset I had to get up and leave. Good thing Dennis had arrived just then. Do you know what we could do with that $$$? It is a good thing his exam wasn't last week, or we would have had to cancel out trip to Disneyland. Filth is expensive.
He is not the only one. Sadly, all my sons have chosen a life without hygiene.
There is just nothing like gazing into the beautiful face of your angel child, and then they smile that award winning grin... and you see that indeed moss grows on the north side of teeth as well as trees.
Or you look in the rear view mirror to catch a glimpse of your beautiful family... only to see one kid who has a nasty habit of playing with wads of his own spit and avert you eyes only to spot a finger up a nose, well, half a finger actually, and you quickly look away before you have to witness that same finger take a quick trip to the mouth. Ug!
Or your sweet child comes to give you that big hug you are aching for...and you are accosted with an overwhelming mix of body odor and smelly feet as greasy hair smears across your cheek.
Ugh.
Fact is, all five of my poor senses get accosted on a regular basis!
Fuzzy teeth are a chronic problem around here. Their teeth wear their little winter coats all year long. I will tell a kid to go get me his tooth brush, and he will declare that he doesn't have one. When asked how long he has been without a tooth brush he will shrug his shoulders, "I dunno. A while." We have about fifty brand new toothbrushes in cupboard and they KNOW THIS but always look at me like this is new information - like I have been hoarding the toothbrushes and they have been suffering because of it. I can't even imagine going a day without a toothbrush.
And they are under the impression that showers should be a weekly occurrence, and any more than that are strictly optional. When they are forced to shower, they will often just step into the shower and wet their hair. Then they are always dumbfounded that we figure out that they didn't actually wash down with soap and shampoo. But our noses can't be fooled that easily, and the fact that there is often a patch or two of dry hair in the back is a good indicator too. Oh the injustice they claim when we insist they step back in the shower to finish the job.
Hand washing, too, is performed with a similar M.O.. I always sneak a peak when they are "washing" their hands. Cold water on. Soap dispensed into hand (again, often optional) and rinsed immediately in water without lathering up - the soap slips right off. Then water is turned off (often not before the kid puts his mouth on the faucet to take a quick drink.) Then the wet hands are wiped dry on the dirty pants. Done. Ya think?
You know it is a bad sign when you ask if their hands are clean and they have to look. If you have to look, they are not clean.
Derek's glasses are always so dirty, I don't know how he can see through them. He'd probably see better if he just took them off. If my windshield was that dirty, I would get into an accident for sure.
My kids are constantly wearing dirty clothes. OK, yes, kids get dirty. That happens. But I mean they are wearing dirty clothes first thing in the morning. They put on dirty clothes. I will tell them to change. "I just did." "Go change again." "Why?" "Because your clothes are dirty." "But I just put them on." "Where did you get them?" "On the floor." "Uh huh. They are dirty." Shock. "I didn't know!" "Here's a helpful hint. Look at the sleeves of your shirts. If there is a crust where you always wipe your mouth it is dirty. Look at your pants. If there are smears of crud here were you always wipe your dirty hands, then they are dirty. Oh, and if you look in your underwear and see this skid mark because you don't wipe your bottom, I would be willing to bet they are dirty too, and you should not wear them." "Oh."
Oh yes. These are not fictional accounts.
They are always sleeping without pillowcases on their pillows and sheets on the bed. They can't even fathom why silly mom finds this practice so extremely disgusting, or why mom is equally disgusted when they never take their sheets off to be washed. Whatever, mom.
And their bathroom.
Oh my.
That bathroom. It is, well, it is a health hazard. Really. You do NOT want to go in there! I have to force myself to go into the belly of the beast. It always smells like urine. Always. Even after a good scrubbing it smells like urine mixed with bleach. There is toilet paper everywhere (does that mean they are using it?) and mildewed towels piled on the floor. Inside the toothpaste drawer is a sticky mass of toothbrushes, half-squeezed tubes of toothpaste, none with caps, and a little bit of hair and legos stuck in for good measure. No wonder the teeth are fuzzy. The only thing clean and untouched in that bathroom are the pretty bottles of deodorant all lined up in the medicine cabinet. They would be completely unused if it wasn't for the someone occasionally using them to scribble on the bathroom mirror. At least someone is putting them to good use.
It isn't like we, as parents, don't try. Oh we teach, and guide, and beg, and scream. Due to a need we have recently re-instituted regular hygiene instruction during our family home evenings. You know: Song, prayer, the six BEs, a scripture, family business, followed by instruction on the proper care and wiping of bottoms, then a lesson on the plan of salvation, song, and prayer. Every family has to do what works for them.
And as if it isn't enough just to be disgusting, the also have to talk about disgusting things.
The other day Caleb announced that earwax doesn't taste good. His brothers all agreed! I guess they have all tried it and decided that was one body cavity not worth exploring further.
And just this very morning, in fact, as we were climbing into the car, Caleb just announces, "Mom, farting is so fun!" followed but a lengthy family discussion about long versus short, loud verses silent, etc., accompanied by fairly accurate sound effects. That's when I turn the radio up. Way, way up.
Such is my life.
Well, at least we don't have to worry about girls knocking down our door, right?
Of course, all this could change when my boys discover girls. Then we'll have a whole new set of problems to deal with. But I can handle them if it means shiny teeth and clean hair ... I think.
