What Was I Thinking?

The other day I was in my car waiting for my kids to get out of school, and I started to read my patriarchial blessing. (I have a tiny laminated copy in my planner, but I don't read it as often as i should!) I didn't get very far. Right at the beginning it says that in my first estate I used my AGENCY to choose to come to the Earth at THIS time. That stopped me in my tracks. I didn't read anymore. I have read this a thousand times, and had pretty much skipped over that part - you know, its just the intro. But this time it had an impact on me. I chose this time? Really? Why? What was I thinking? I guess I wasn't any more sensible and level headed back then then then I am now.

This time is rough, and getting progressively rougher all the time. I am frankly aghast at the nerve of our political leaders who thumb their noses at the divinely inspired constitution and the will of the people. Secret combinations abound and aren't even so secret anymore. Satan and his cohorts have their hands in everything (including the White House, if you ask me) and the tempest is surely raging fierce. What really amazes and frightens me spitless is the speed of it's progression! Society is so much worse than is was even 5, 10, or 20 years ago, and the prospects are even bleaker for the immediate future. What have we gotten ourselves (and our children) into now? Holy cow!!! Bleak.

I experience that icky sick-to-my-stomach feeling much more than I used to (No, it isn't a heath problem, but perhaps a healthcare bill problem!)

I remember Bro. Bunnel, my institute teacher, not even 20 years ago, telling us that we would see things get really bad really fast, and that we would think surely it can't get any worse, surely the end has come, but that it will just get worse, to the point that many will lose faith, and only the most valiant and faithful will keep the faith. Only then, when it has almost gotten to the point where things are so, so bad, that...

Well, I don't even like to think about it, but I have to admit, Bro. Bunnel was really onto something. I am amazed to think what changes we have seen in the past 20 years, since I have been old enough to pay attention. The great evils of society are now commonplace and accepted and the family, motherhood, freedom, etc. are all under attack constantly. I used to think that money was the great corrupter, that people would do anything for money. But I have come to see that it is really the insipid lust for power that will really destroy all that is good. Wherever there is evil in the world, there is a lust to get or keep some kind of power. I believe this has everything to do with the fact that the Lord is a lover of personal freedom for each of his children - power over ourselves, heart and soul! But Satan's way has always been a lust for power over others, and it is how he lures evil men and women in for his purposes.

I used to be an avid news watcher, and was very up on current events. But when Dylan got sick I couldn't take any more pain and stress than I was getting from that situation, and I stopped watching. I haven't fully been able to bring myself to get back into it since. It is just too hard to watch. Too sad. Too scary. But I have since realized that the only way we can survive is to be awake and aware of what is going on in the world, so I have started trying to keep myself well informed again. But ugh! There are days like this that I just get so discouraged. And it is not just political. Far from it. It is just the rampant wickedness that is shoved in our faces EVERYDAY!

I apologize to my kids A TON and explain to them that the world doesn't HAVE TO be like this. It really doesn't! But, sadly, this is all they know. But this is neither good nor normal. How badly I wish that they could live in a time of peace, like those 200 blessed years after Christ visited the Americas. How I wish my children could have experienced that!!! If I had my choice, why didn't I pick that time? Hello self! Duh! How sweet would that have been?

But apparently I chose now over then, and my question to myself is "why, woman?!?" I started thinking about myself. I believe that we are who we are, and we have ALWAYS had our personalities, from the very beginning, and perhaps even before that.

So what is it in my personality that would step up and say, "Yep, Lord, those last days, now that's the time for me!"

What was I thinking?

What did I know then that I am forgetting now?

I know I am the kind of gal who loves a challenge, and I love the opportunity to prove myself. Perhaps I was just showing off! "Last days? No problem. Bring it on!" Or perhaps I had an over inflated sense of my abilities "Evil, schmevil! That dude Satan don't scare me none! Who does he think he is messing with, anyway?" Yep, back then my sense of myself must have been pretty inflated! I'd like to think I've been humbled a bit. Perhaps not.

But, like it or not, this world, the way it is, is what I'm stuck with. I tell my kids "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit," right? I suppose that should apply here too. This time slot is the one I've been given, and now I've got to get through it and, much, much scarier to me, I have to get my children safely through it! It reminds me of some contestants on the Amazing Race who find themselves having to do some challenge 15 stories off the ground, and they are paralyzed with fear, and just can't move on! I always think, why on earth did they choose to be on the Amazing Race if they were afraid of heights, since there is ALWAYS a challenge or two that have to do with extreme heights? What were they thinking??? I usually don't feel too sorry for them because, hey, they knew what they were getting themselves into when they signed up. Right?

Well, right now I feel like one of those contestants in a much more amazing race, who is perched up on top of a swaying high rise and being told I have to rappel myself down all the way to the bottom, except instead of a million dollars on the line, I have to get down so that I can help all six of my children safely down too. I'm feeling kind of paralyzed, myself, actually. (I am NOT afraid of heights, by the way, just afraid of evil running rampant!)

But then again, I always tell those frightened folks (through the TV, of course) that really they should not be afraid. They have harnesses and guides, and hey, the truth is, it is a TV show, and the network wouldn't actually make you do anything truly dangerous because they don't want a lawsuit if someone dies.

I guess before I get paralyzed by fears I need to tell myself that I, too, have a safety harness, which is the gospel, and guides (parents, leaders, prophets) to help me safely down. The Lord won't let anything happen to me, ...us, right?

And I have to remember, too, that many of those contestants who do choose to take the plunge, when they finally get to solid ground, exclaim that it was the MOST AMAZING experience of their lives! They do say that, right? I'm kinda hoping for that.

So what was I thinking? Who knows?

But ready or not...

JUMP!