I am old. It just hit me. Hard.
This weekend we had Young Women retreat, and a darling (and young) friend of mine, Lillie, was sweet enough to come share her amazing talents and take pictures of our girls. She snapped several of the leaders as well. She did a terrific job. The pictures of the girls came out just adorable. She was even able to capture their personalities perfectly. What talent!
But when I saw the pictures of myself, I was literally SHOCKED! I looked SO OLD! I guess I am usually behind the camera, so I haven't seen a close up of myself for a long time. Oh My! I really was amazed at how old I looked, especially after looking at those pictures of those fresh young faces of the YW.
Please don't get me wrong. Lillie takes beautiful pictures. It wasn't her. It was me. Truth is truth, and wrinkles are wrinkles. I just wasn't expecting so many of them on MY face. Sure, I look in the mirror everyday, but I don't see them. I guess I should get in the practice of smiling at myself in the mirror more, or just not smiling to everyone else, 'cause it is the smiling that displays the wrinkles so well, as fate would have it.
I guess it really is true that stress makes you age. I look, and feel, like I have aged ten years in the past several months, which is perfect because I have also gained ten pounds in that time. I feel disgusting. But I am exercising and back on Weight Watchers again, and feel fairly confident that I can drop those ten to 15 pounds. However, I am also fairly certain that those extra ten years are here to stay.
I saw this coming. A few months ago I ran into the mom of one of my good friends from elementary school. She was happy to see me. I asked about her daughter, my friend, and she gave me the scoop. Then she asked me about my daughters. I was baffled, and told her I had only sons. Then she was baffled. "How are Shelly, and Lisa?" she asked. "I am Shelly," I answered, still confused. "Oh, I thought you were Zola," she confessed. She thought I was my mother!
See. Old.
Of course, I must remember that my mom was near my age when they knew each other, (never mind that Mom is a brunette, and I am blond. Maybe she just thought mom was going through a phase.)
I know that I am not old old. I still plenty of years left for that. But I am old enough to definitley not be "young" anymore. It is just that I think of myself as young - young with, mysteriously enough, six kids, including a teenager.
So I have been moping around the house for the last few days, feeling sorry for my old self, eating a lot of chocolate (like that will help!) I never thought I would be this way. Not old, I mean I never thought I would feel so bad about getting older. My own vanity has surprised me! After all, I really wouldn't want to go back to when I was younger. Life is progress, so if I went back, that would be regressing, wouldn't it? I have no regrets, and have made good choices that have gotten me where I am right now. And I like where I a right now. If I had a do-over, I might risk making the wrong decisions. No thanks. I mean, I loved college, but I wouldn't want to do that again, and I am happy as heck to finally be out of the baby stage. I'm not so sure how this teenage thing is gonna go, but I'm willing to give it a try. I'm sure my kids will do their best to add a lot more wrinkles to my face before it is all said and done.
I look at all of my dear friends that are older than myself, and I think they look absolutely beautiful. I don't see the wrinkles at all. I think of them as lovely, classy, and perfect. But I sure see my own wrinkles. Are we all like that? We don't recognize ourselves in the mirror? Or is it just me and my vanity?
So I have been debating whether or not to post the pictures Lillie took, because I really have a hard time looking at them. But, like I said, truth is truth, and besides, this is probably exactly what I look like to you, because I probably smile at you (if you're nice). You won't be shocked. But I sure was!
(This reminds me of what my Grandma Jones would say when looking at pictures of herself that were less than flattering. She'd say "Oh, that picture was taken back when I was older. I am much younger now." Great line. I'll have to remember to use that one.)
Here goes: (Please, DO NOT blow these pictures up to full screen! I cannot be responsible for the damage it might do to your computer or your psyche.)
There. Putting it online for all the world to see is one step closer to my own healthy acceptance of the fact that I really am old...er.
The irony is that someday, no doubt, I'll look back at this picture and exclaim how young I was!
Isn't life grand?
14 comments:
Shelly--everyone is traveling down that road right along with you. Some of us are further up the road, and some behind you. As we travel that road, our physical appearance is "changing", but who we are is getting more beautiful. The real secret is to progress down that road gracefully and with class. I have always thought it was classy when a woman could admit her age and genuinely like being in her skin at any phase of life. In so many ways life gets better as the years advance. You have so much to look forward to.
You are a classy lady, this post proves it. BTW--Those pictures are beautiful!
Oh yes, my mom also used to say, "I love my wrinkles and gray hair. I earned every one of them!"---now that was a classy lady.
Shelly, You are young and beautiful and I love the pictures. I can tell just by meeting you that your are a beautiful person. My Mother had a saying that I liked and that is, I never lie about my age, I don't want people to think I got looking like this in any less years!!!
Linda
One other thing, I quote you--
"'Oh, I thought you were Zola,'" she confessed. She thought I was my mother!
"See. Old."
Just wanted to let you know that I took absolutely no offense at this remark--just wanted to make sure you knew that I am NOT offended. Not one teensy weensy, itty bitty bit. Nope, not at all. It's all good.
Zola, every woman should love it when people think their daughter is them.
Mom, I only meant that, for the most part, mothers are older than their children, usually by at least say, 10, 12, or so years. Therefore, for her to think I was you would mean I looked that much older than I am. You, my dear, are not old, merely, by necessity, old...er than I am...
Is this working? Am I digging myself out of this hole, or deeper into it?
So glad you took no offense to my post, Mom. I'm sure anyone else would have, but you are better than that, aren't you?
I love reading the comments between you and your mom! How hysterically funny! The both of you are young in spirit and old in the "wise" sense of the word. May we all wear our wrinkles as badges of honor! You could be like me -- just gain weight and the wrinkles don't show up as much! Even when you smile!
Well, I think you look fantastic! :)
I hate the lines that are appearing on my face, but there's not much I can do about that. I just hope that there are more laugh lines than scowl lines...
I have had many moments like that, too. A couple years ago at Girls Camp, I was walking around thinking that all these girls were wondering if I was a girl or a leader. Then I got to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and couldn't believe how old I was. I've heard other older women say that they still feel like teenagers, too, so I guess that feeling never goes away. The hard part will be when we start to feel old on the inside, too. By the way, I think you look great! You don't look old to me at all. :)
There are things you can control and things you can't control. You exercise, dress nicely, and eat right - all the things you can control. Age is not under our control. Shelly, you look great. People don't look at the wrinkles, they look at how a woman walks, and how well she takes care of herself. You are not a young woman. If you had 6 kids and looked only 20, I would worry.
This is what the Red Hat Society is all about. Be happy with your age. Each age has it's pros and cons. For example, in your 20's you look great, but no one takes you seriously, because you have no life experiences, nor probably not enough education to be respected. As you get older, you get wrinkles, but you get respect, and when you get a lot older, you have the freedom to not care what other people think. The freedom to be what you want and do what you want with out worrying about what others think is a great gift.
Don't for get, I am a year older, if you look old, then I look old. I like my age. i am glad that I am a 37 year old mom with kids in elementary school. I would rather be that then a 22 yr old with kids in elementary school. I feel more mature and better able to handle the demands of motherhood.
Who cares how many wrinkles on your face. How do you feel. How well do you take care of yourself? How have you grown as a person. Why is it so bad to look your actual age, as long as you dress nice and take care of yourself? I always tell people my age. I like it.
I like the quote by Elder Wirthlin - Come what may, and love it.
Think of all the benefits of being 36. They far out-weigh the wrinkles.
I, too, think you (and the pictures) are beautiful. I understand the difficulty in enjoying the moment, though. Something you said reminded me of something my mom taught me. Growing up, I always thought I was fat, never having been that skinny-mini birdlegged type. I was a respectable size 10, but thought I was gross. She would constantly try to remind me that I looked great, had nice curves, and that someday, I just may WISH I were a size 10 again. How true that was! So, even at a size 16, I tried to be happy with myself knowing that when I was pregnant again, I was going to be WISHING for size 16 jeans. It's a little easier for me to be positive right now since my recently purchased size 12s are starting to sag, but I occasionally find myself looking at the barbie dolls at the gym and feel that "ugghh" feeling about myself. Anyway, just wanted to give you a little boost and let you know I think you are lovely in every possible way!
Shelly you look beautiful. You are young and vibrant and beautiful.
Loved this post! Ha ha, I have had the same experience, scary!! I always wonder who that old lady is in the pictures and it is me!! Wow, do I really look like that. By the way, your pics were beautiful. I did see on the today show they did a study of twins and the ones that were fatter, looked younger, so I say, forget weight watchers, let's all gain some weight, ha ha (okay I am doing weight watchers right now too, I guess I want my clothes to fit more than I want less wrinkles!!
Hey Rachelle, just blog stalking, and I had to laugh about this post because after I saw you at the last stake conference, I was gossiping to my husband about how you are looking extra foxy these days! There is no shame in your game, sister. Come to think of it, your mom also looked extra lovely when she spoke in our ward recently. Geez, your family is hogging the good DNA. ;)
LOVED THIS! I've felt like this so much this past year and I agree with you...stress isn't helping! I feel like I'm not getting any older and then there are the moments that put us in our place. I remember when I was the YW pres in UT and one of my girls got asked to the prom last minute. I got all excited and told her she could just borrow one of my dresses and she came over to look at them and then said, "oh, they're very pretty and I bet they were perfect in the 80's" I was floored...nothing like a 16 year old to put you in your place. :) I guess we'll just go on and ignore the mirror and pretend that our kids are just getting older, but we're not! Nothing like a little denial...it works for me. You look beautiful in the pictures and not a day over 25.
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