Top Boyolgists Publish New Findings

Below is a post originally dated 11/9/08 that I was working on when Dylan got sick a year ago, that I never finished, and forgot all about until today, when I was looking back through my posts on Dylan's illness. It is pretty funny, and especially appropriate since Derek just had 6 stitches removed from his head yesterday. Enjoy!

Leading boyologists Dr. Rachelle VanBuskirk and her colleague Dr. Dennis VanBuskirk from the VanBuskirk Institute of Boy Studies and Rearing, in a thirteen-year study, have uncovered some interesting facts about boys and their inevitable head wounds.

Here is what this team of researchers discovered:

Fact 1: Head wounds bleed A LOT, but stop bleeding very quickly.

Fact 2: Boys' skulls are very hard.

Fact 3: Head staples are a status symbol among males ages 3 - 13.

Fact 4: Head staples should only be removed by a professional. Normal stapler removers will not work.

Fact 5: Trips to the Urgent Care and head staples can be avoided entirely by super-gluing the hairs around the head wound together to hold it closed.

*Please note. These finding apply to boys only. Not much is known about the effects of head wounds on girls, at least not to these scientists.

Drs. VanBuskirk and VanBuskirk have been studying six male subjects, ranging in age from 2 to 12, in their research faculty. "We try to study our subjects in their natural environment rather than in a lab setting," reports Dr. V. "We have provided our subjects with a trampoline, toy weapons, and ugly action figures in an effort to make them comfortable in their surroundings."

These boyologists have studied various aspects of boyology in their subjects. "This didn't start out as a study in boys and head wounds..." Dr. V explains, "we just happened to hit upon this research, or at least the boys did - but we have learned so much, and wanted to share what we have learned with the world." Among other things the Institute has studied the direct correlation of messy rooms to tardiness at school, studied the effects of 3 dozen sweaty socks in a hot car, taken readings on record decibel levels of 'indoor voices', recorded hundreds of case studies of what happens when you throw a ball in the house, clocked record speeds that a house can go from clean to a hurricane-level disaster, proven time and time again, that boys' bodies really do have weight, and that things break when boys step/climb on them, and cataloged and indexed gross bodily sounds that most boys are so adept at producing, all in an attempt to understand them better.

Drs. VanBuskirk and VanBuskirk believe that much of their research concurs with the research of their fellow boyologists at the Thatcher Institute, the Crowshaw Institute, and the well-established Broadhead Institute for Boyological Studies.

"Boys are mysterious creatures. Surprisingly, not much is really known about how their brains work, or if they work at all," Dr. V. explains.

Recently these boyologists have been trying to prove the hypothesis that, as the old saying goes, 'one boy has one brain, two boys have half a brain, and three boys have no brain at all.'

"Our studies are showing this hypothesis to be correct, and it is exciting to see what happens when we have four, five, or even six boys together. It is amazing to see how they can function without any brain activity whatsoever. This is one of the great mysteries of science, and we are coming closer everyday to solving it."

So far the Institute's boyology research has concentrated on pre-pubescent males, but they plan to expand their research into adolescent males in the next several months. "That just seems to be the right direction for us to take at this time. The mystery surrounding adolescent males is even greater than that of their younger counterparts. We are excited to see where this research takes us, and what we can learn."

Unfortunately, the Institute is badly in need of funding. "It is amazing how expensive it is to maintain these subjects, and keep them properly fed. This will be an even greater problem when we start studying adolescents in the near future. Perhaps we'll do some research on the mass quantities of food teenage boys can consume, and the health effects of an all Ramen noodle diet. The possibilities for research are endless, really."

There have been disappointments along the way. "Even after all these years of training we still haven't been able to get our subjects to aim into the toilet," acknowledges Dr. V., who also admits great difficulty in getting the subjects to brush the fur off of their teeth, or change their clothes on a daily basis. "But we still hold out high hopes that these behaviors will come in time. Our goal is to eventually produce six fully-functional adult males (though the question if there really is such a thing is debatable.) If we can accomplish this, we can count all these years of research with these subjects a major success!"