BLACK is not so Black and White

Tonight I am taking my final of two black belt tests, and I am feeling anxious. Except it is not the kind of anxious I expected to feel. I thought I would feel anxious that I will not perform well, or that I will screw up. That would seem reasonable. But that is not it at all. In fact, I am 100% certain that I will look like a fool out there. I will walk out onto that mat and take one look in the mirror and ask myself the same question I silently yelled at myself the very first time I stepped on that mat and looked myself in that goofy new starched white gi: "What on Earth am I doing here?!?" But now after 4 long years studying martial arts, I suddenly feel more out of place than ever. What am I doing here? I am a pushing 40, uncoordinated, goofy, girlie girl, mother of six, in a dingy gray gi that has always been too short for her long legs, who thinks she should be sporting a black belt. Who am I kidding?

Yin/yang - the symbol life, of balance - is black and white, representing opposites. In taekwando you start out as a white belt - new, fresh, unlearned, and then work your way to black, which represents a belt that has become blackened with much use, sweat, and wear; one who has mastered the art, and is in turn qualified to teach others. That is kind of the thinking of the ancients.

Only the closer I get to black, the more I feel like a white belt. I know nothing. I thought black and white were supposed to be opposites, but not so, at least not with me.

I suppose that is why I feel so anxious about getting my black belt. I don't feel black. If anything, I feel a pale shade of gray.

I always thought a black belt was someone who was tough, who you didn't dare mess with. A black belt could swagger down the street in full confidence that they could take down anyone who dared mess with them. You know. "These hand are registered lethal weapons, mess with me at your own risk! Hi-YAH!"

Ummm. No.

Lets just say I will not be walking down any dark alleys, OK?

I guess I could put the blame for not feeling that way on the fact that, to be frank, my training has not been what I wanted it to be. I have been pretty clear on this blog about my feelings for my previous vs. current martial arts instructors. Loved, loved , loved that ones I got my white through brown belts with, and not so much the one I have now, the one I am getting my black belt with, by default. I have said it all before. I really wanted to get my black belt with the Muchenjes, not just because I love them to death, but because I know that they would not let me test until I was good and ready. I would walk into that test knowing I deserved it. I think I need that confidence - their confidence.

But that is not to be. Tonight I will walk into that test with nobody's confidence but my own, and that is where my anxiety lies. My confidence is shaky, at best. Not exactly the swaggering black belt of my imagination. Even worse, I am fairly sure I will walk out of there, a certified black belt, feeling even less confident than when I walked in.

Like a white belt.

Yin/yang.

Black and white may be opposites, but then again, they are swirled together in the yin/yang symbol in an infinite cycle, inseparable. Maybe my feeling of being closer to a white belt than a black belt are not so off at all.

The truth that I have to keep telling myself when get that same sick feeling I got that very first time I looked at myself in my new gi, is that I have put in the time. I have put in the work. I have been studying martial arts for 4 long years and have been coming consistently several times a week. I have really worked hard, and given it my all, even if my all wasn't much.

And while it is true that my training as of late has not been what I would have hoped, it has been decent. And there is not much I could do about that, anyway. I did my best with what I have. I came and I worked hard. I can absolutely claim that. I am not quick and I am not smooth. I am not exactly impressive out there on the mat (well, you might just ohh and ahh over how high I can kick, but I can only attribute that to the long legs I was born with, not any real skill on my part.)

At the beginning of my training I stamped up a pretty little notebook, embossed with kanji and Asian design and tied together with a black ribbon - knotted, of course. In it I kept all my notes on different techniques and forms, etc. I carried it in my purse to study from when ever I had a moment (that is until I got my iPhone. Guess what? There is an app for that too!) My once pretty little notebook is now in pieces, tattered from use. That has to mean something, right?

Last week I finally had a long talk with my current instructor. I told him that I was frustrated that all we ever do is kicking the bag, or controlled, I-kick-then-you-kick type sparring, and that I felt completely unprepared to actually fight anyone in the ring. There is a lot more to sparring than blocking and returning kicks. You must read the other person and react to what they do. There is so much more involved than technique. It is a mind game. An art. A cross between a dance and a chess match. But I know none of that. Not that I like sparring. I hate it, quite frankly, especially when I have to fight kids (because they are only kids) and men (because they are mean). But it is an unavoidable part of taekwando, and something I have not gotten enough training in. So I finally sat down with my instructor and explained to him my concerns (as best I could. His English is limited.) I told him I did not feel like I deserve to be black belt since I have never mastered the art of sparring. He said "Good!" in his choppy, Mr. Miagi-like, Confucian wisdom type way. "Black belt mean beginning. Black belt mean you know technique - kicking, blocking, punching. Black belt mean you ready to begin to learn art of fighting. Before black belt - skills. After black belt - art." He is seriously so old school. Basically, what he told me is that a black belt means that you have learned all the basics - the kicks, the blocks, the punches. It means you have learned control, so when you do start the actual fighting, you don't hurt yourself or anyone else. Your first degree black belt is not the final goal. It is not the end. It marks the beginning. Learning all that other stuff is what all the other black belt levels are for.

Ahh. Confucian wisdom. The whole swirling yin/yang thing again. The end is the beginning. Around and around we go.

I must admit I felt much better after finally talking to him. I guess it is OK after all if I walk into that black belt test not with swaggering confidence but like I know nothing and should be wearing a white belt all over again. Maybe that is how the ancients would want me to feel.

But I have to remind myself why I got into taekwando to begin with. Was it because I wanted to be an ultimate cage fighter? Um, no. It was because that is the activity that my whole family chose to get involved in together, and because I had just had my last baby and it looked like good exercise, and well, because we were getting family rate, so it was free for me to join. I never even dreamed of getting a black belt at first. And I never thought I would enjoy taekwando. But I did. Once I got over the shock of how extremely goofy I looked in that gi, I really started enjoying it and the feeling I got from learning something new and pushing myself. Then the belts just came, and as I achieved higher and higher belts, getting a black belt became a real possibility. So I set that as a goal and started pushing myself even harder to finish what I started. It was important for me to do this to be an example to my kids that when you work for anything, you can achieve it. (Plus, it is important that my teenagers understand that they can't mess with Mom! Hi-YAH!)

And now here I am. Yikes. I have done it. I am not great, but I have achieved, step by step, my goal. I should feel good about that, right? I should feel confidence. My old instructor texted me yesterday "You put in the time - you deserve the belt." Maybe he's right. Maybe I should be satisfied with that. But still, a part of me is afraid that when I put on that pretty black new belt with my name embroidered in gold, I will feel like a fraud. It might take me a while after wearing it to feel like it fits. After all, I have been wearing my senior red belt a solid year and still don't feel like I deserve it. But I can't wait forever and I'm certainly not getting any younger or quicker or more agile, now am I?

It seems like my teacher Kylee once told me that when you feel like you are tough enough to be a black belt, you are not ready. It isn't until you feel completely unworthy to be one that you are. I don't know if that is true, but I hope so because right now that is exactly how I am feeling. Completely unworthy.

My old instructor, I know, would have given me a tough test, taken me to the beach, made me fight and do forms on the sand, do a million push-ups and sit-ups, ran me into the ground, and who knows what else. She would also have me write an essay, I know. But I guess that I have written one anyway, haven't I? It would be horribly tortuously tough, but I would know I could do it because she would not have me test unless she knew I was ready, and I would have walked away (if I could walk, by that point) knowing that I had really accomplished something great.

I don't know what my test will consist of tonight. I already had one test a few months ago and it was pretty tough. I'm thinking tonight will be less stressful since I have already done it all before and since it is only a small group, not a big audience. He says the test will be short, so at least I won't have to sit on my nerves for hours like last time. But I'm betting it will be just working me until I am ready to drop. It won't be pretty, but it won't be the tough test I would have gotten from her. I should probably be glad about that. I just want to walk away feeling like I have accomplished something. That is why I am anxious.

Right now I have a bruised big toe which may seem like a small thing, but can be a big deal when you are kicking people and things. Hope it won't be a problem tonight.

Anyway, ready or not, worthy or not, I am getting this thing done! I'll let yin and yang take their course as they may.

Man, I'll be glad when this night is over.